Hi, I'm Gen(o) and I'm a Serial Stalker

(Response: Hi Gen(o)!)

I do it, partly, because I don't have a life. It's not that I don't have friends; I do. I just don't go out much, because there's a limit to my capacity for interaction. After talking, listening and being surrounded by people too much, thoughts get the better of me that I soon can't talk anymore and sheepish smiles are all I can afford. Psych calls it introversion.

I also do it, partly, because I don't see the point of asking if I can figure out the answer on my own. My timid temperament has provided me with adequate observation skills, and analyzing power. During my one sem as a student assistant, I observed that people--these people I observed are intelligent and educated-- don't really pay much attention to their surroundings. I pay more attention to details in my environment than most people I meet. Often, their answers are so obvious I could've figured them out myself if only I took time to think about 'em. A lot of times, people can't answer my questions. Most of the time, my questions and concerns are those I know cannot be answered, and if they can be answered, it is not from asking a companion that I will get the satisfaction I seek. Sometimes people just won't answer, and the risk is embarrassment. On their part, I have questions that may make them uncomfortable. On my part, asking reveals what's going on in my mental space and that may get me in trouble. At worst, people lie, or pretend they know what they're saying.

On a more serious note, I do it because of this deep longing to appreciate the complexity of the human psyche, and its interaction with the non-self. In short, I am genuinely interested in  people, connections and interactions. It's one of my dreams to appreciate the fullness of another human being's existence, which is not possible unless I am God, who I am obviously not. The closest I can experience that is through stalking. In a sense, it is playing God. It's fun knowing stuff no one expects you to know. On the other hand, it is exploring the beauty of God's work. The most amazing I've figured out was someone's secret lovelife, when it was intentionally and carefully being kept hidden.

The stalking I do is mainly through the internet, aided by gut feels. A classmate has dubbed me google worm. More or less, I've checked out most of my facebook friends, but the more extensive detail-hunting I've done only to those I found interesting, not exclusive to facebook friends. How interesting I find the person is directly proportional to the amount of detail I attempt to dig. Ideally, what people post are things they're willing to make public, so I shouldn't be guilty of invading anyone's privacy. But I know how weird people can be that they do not filter what they post, and then hate those who take interest in them. It's all part of that wonderful freedom offered by virtual space.

I haven't tried creepy, physical stalking, as I don't really intend to freak anyone out nor do I mean any harm. The furthest I got was constructing people's schedules that I'd know more or less where they are and what they're supposed to be doing (without following them around) based on our previous interactions-- when and where I happen to see them on the way to wherever, etc, and more. It's very handy information when you need to find them.

Earlier this year, I decided to blow my cover by admitting to the ones I've stalked that I've, indeed, been watching them. First, it's to manage the unhealthy addiction that stalking sometimes (yes, sometimes!) becomes. Second, to have a life. Like a friend of mine has recognized already, it is an amusing subject of conversation, but then I do not want to be all about that. There is more to me than stalking. Third, as I've been trying to build my social life, I realized that stalking isn't really necessary to know what I want to know. Besides, you can discover so much just by paying attention, but you can't really gain nor maintain friends just by watching them. Fourth, because Viktor Frankl says, "Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him" and isn't it the nature of Love not to be kept to itself?

Still, my dream introductions remain to be where I'd walk up to someone I never talked to before, saying "Hello, ikaw si (insert name here). Kilala kita."