Si Ileng at ang "Marshmallow Test"

May mga college students na nag-experiment sa'min nung grade one ata o grade two. Habang klase, pinapunta kami doon sa guidance office na maraming laruan sa dating building ng kinder, one at a time. Hindi ko maalala kung may sinabi yung experimenter na secret lang namin yung pinagawa. Parang may ganoon. May sense kung may ganun.

Pagdating doon sa dating guidance office na maraming laruan, una kong napansing nag-iba yung ayos. Pinapasok ako nung babae sa isang enclosed na bahagi ng room na ang laman lang ay isang mesa, isang upuan, at yung blackboard na nakadikit sa dingding. Doon sa mesa, may nakapatong na bell-- yung bell sa mga diner sa TV-- at school supplies: lapis, eraser at sharpener ata. Parang may ruler pa. Hindi ko na maalala. Tapos tinanong ako nung babae kung ano yung pinaka gusto ko doon, at yung least kong gusto. Hindi ko maalala kung anong sagot ko. Basta sabi niya, may kukunin lang siya sa labas ng kwarto at antayin ko siya. Kapag naantay ko siya, makukuha ko yung pinaka gusto ko. Kapag ayoko na maghintay, i-ring ko daw yung bell pero ang makukuha ko ay yung least kong gusto. Tapos umalis na muna siya.

Ako naman na walang kamalay-malay ay nag-antay lang habang naririnig ko yung plastik na kumakaluskos sa side ng room na hindi ko nakikita. Yun siguro yung babae. Kung anu-anong pinaggagagawa ko nung napagod akong umupo. Kinausap ko yung sarili ko. Tumayo ako sa upuan. Inabot ko yung blackboard. Nagpanggap akong teacher. Tinitigan ko yung parang malabong salamin na nakadikit sa parang divider. Hinawak-hawakan ko yung mga nasa table pati yung bell. Nangulangot. Nagtataas ng palda. Sumayaw. Nagkamot-kamot. Nagpanggap akong si Jenny na buhat kunyari ni Eugene. Sa huli, nakuha ko yung gusto ko.

Naaalala kong nangyari rin sa araw na iyon (pero hindi ko maalala kung nauna ba ito o yung pagiging subject ko) ay yung narinig ko si Ileng na nagkukwento sa mga kaklase namin na hindi ko maalala kung naging subjects na rin. Sabi ni Ileng, pinagpalit niya daw yung pinaka gusto niya at yung least na pinaka gusto niya para hindi na niya kailangang maghintay nang matagal para makuha ang gusto niya.

Napagtanto ko makalipas ang ilang taon na baka two-way mirror pala yung salamin.

Diachronic and Synchronic Consistencies

When I first read Ralph Waldo Emerson's Self Reliance, his rejection of consistency bothered me. It made sense but it didn't feel quite right. He says,

The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them.

But why should you keep your head over your shoulder? Why drag about this corpse of your memory, lest you contradict somewhat you have stated in this or that public place? Suppose you should contradict yourself; what then? It seems to be a rule of wisdom never to rely on your memory alone, scarcely even in acts of pure memory, but to bring the past for judgment into the thousand-eyed present, and live ever in a new day. In your metaphysics you have denied personality to the Deity: yet when the devout motions of the soul come, yield to them heart and life, though they should clothe God with shape and color. Leave your theory, as Joseph his coat in the hand of the harlot, and flee.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. — 'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.' — Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.

My first contentions were on it's implications on knowledge. Concern for consistency is not just some silly obsession with public image, it is also a check for truth-value, and a check against hypocrisy. But then, he supposes

no man can violate his nature. All the sallies of his will are rounded in by the law of his being, as the inequalities of Andes and Himmaleh are insignificant in the curve of the sphere. Nor does it matter how you gauge and try him. A character is like an acrostic or Alexandrian stanza; — read it forward, backward, or across, it still spells the same thing. In this pleasing, contrite wood-life which God allows me, let me record day by day my honest thought without prospect or retrospect, and, I cannot doubt, it will be found symmetrical, though I mean it not, and see it not... We pass for what we are. Character teaches above our wills. Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment.

There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. For of one will, the actions will be harmonious, however unlike they seem. These varieties are lost sight of at a little distance, at a little height of thought. One tendency unites them all. The voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tacks. See the line from a sufficient distance, and it straightens itself to the average tendency. Your genuine action will explain itself, and will explain your other genuine actions. Your conformity explains nothing. Act singly, and what you have already done singly will justify you now. Greatness appeals to the future. If I can be firm enough to-day to do right, and scorn eyes, I must have done so much right before as to defend me now. Be it how it will, do right now. Always scorn appearances, and you always may. The force of character is cumulative.

My apprehensions lessen with the consideration of time frame. I imagine two notions of consistency: diachronic and synchronic. Diachronic consistency is consistency through time--  the past word and action matches those of the present. Synchronic consistency is consistency across time-- the present word matches the present action. Emerson, thus, is not entirely against consistency--just diachronic consistency. A hypocrite is not one who changes beliefs through time. We all go through that. It is the nature of human identity. A hypocrite is one whose actions do not match what he claims to believe. Thus, synchronic inconsistency.

My other apprehension has something to do with the assumption of character. Emerson seems to regard all characters as equals so long as they are self-reliant. I am not quite convinced... yet.

My Favorite Cartoon/Anime 6/11/00

Mahilig akong magsulat sa mga notebook na ginamit sa klase pero hindi naubos. Galing ito sa notebook ko nung kinder. Maraming drawing, may mga bugtong, may inventory ng mga baon ng pinsan ko, listahan ng mga pagkaing hindi ko alam kung para saan, attempt ng isang short story, sample sentences, transcription attempt ng Kaharian ng Araw, at listahan ng mga pinapanood kong cartoons/ anime. Ito yung huli.

Eighteen Units of Nationalism

If we want to be technical about it, this course I'm enrolled in should really be called Araling Pilipino. That's the official name of the course, as all courses offered by the Filipino Department have Filipino names. This language difference is significant as it differentiates B.A. Creative Writing from B.A. Malikhaing Pagsulat. In practice, however, people, especially those outside our department, more often use the English translation to refer to A.P.  This usually doesn't pose much confusion in the undergrad level since KAL is the only college that offers it for undergrads. The confusion arises in the masteral and doctoral programs which are offered in both KAL and the Asian Center. But more often than not, people don't really care.

Personally, I find it more practical to use the English translation with those who may not be familiar with AP. But as I have written earlier, I still think AP and Philippine Studies (as it is known in other countries and maybe in Asian Center but I wouldn't really know) are different. This difference is one of the things I keep pondering on along with the things my professors teach. In fact, I seem to enjoy analyzing the course itself more so than studying what it actually teaches.

There is a total of only six AP subjects with the course title AP in the entire AP undergrad curriculum-- two of which I am currently taking. The ones I'm taking are the introduction to AP and a course on research methods. The ones I shall no longer bother taking are the seminar on Philippine culture, society and economy, another research methods course which doesn't seem to be included in the revised curriculum, the thesis proposal class, and the thesis class. The other required major subjects have the course title Fil and Pan Pil, the rest are the panloob and panlabas na disiplina. The AP-titled-subjects hold the degree program together with its nationalistic paradigm. This nationalistic paradigm is the difference between a non-AP student taking a cognate elective and an AP student taking the same elective as panlabas na disiplina. The elective taken by the AP student is supposed to simply be a means to the nationalist end.

I'm not certain whether it is just an effect of having activist professors-- I hope it is-- but the nature of this nationalism seems to be predominantly Marxist. They claim, though, that Marxism is just one perspective from which to study Philippine culture and society. They teach Gramsci, Althusser, and more local ones like Sison, and Constantino but those are only variations which are essentially Marxist in nature rather than entirely different perspectives. In fact, one of the first things they teach is the preference for Marx's materialism over Hegel's idealism.

While I do admit that Marx's materialism is a perfectly valid, if not a necessary, assumption for the study of culture, history and society, I am uncomfortable with the political and economic Marxist ideas on which my professors base AP. This discomfort, I guess, lies in the idea that the human condition is much more complicated than class struggles and Marxism is not the only framework for nationalism. Moreover, the AP student manual (yes, we have a student manual) does not specify this particular framework  but instead emphasizes the use of different perspectives so long as they are nationalistic, scientific and makamasang kulturang pambansa. Perhaps the other aspects of the human condition  and other nationalistic frameworks are meant to be supplied by the panlabas na disiplina but since there isn't another discipline that emiphasizes Marxism (well I couldn't think of any), they teach it in AP. But... I don't know.

The point is: AP is nationalistic Philippine Studies.

Magmula, Giliw, Nang Ikaw ay Pumanaw ni Gregoria de Jesus

Hindi ako mahilig sa tula pero ilang araw ding binagabag nito ang aking kalooban; paborito ko na. At oo, siya ang pangalawang asawa ni Andres Bonifacio.

Sa Kaharian ng Araw

Transcription attempt from memory. Yata. Verbatim mula sa aking sinaunang notebook.

Marami na ang nangangarap na marating ang Kaharian ng Araw. Ito ay sapagkat sinasabi na sa kapirasong langit-lupang ito ng walang hanggang liwanag ay namumukadkad raw ang pangako ng walang patid na kaligayahan, kasaganahan at tagumpay. Ang pangakong ito ang umudyok sa karamihan na lumisan at maglakbay tungo sa malayong kabundukan at karagatan upang doon ay hanapin ang mailap na kaharian ng pinakamimithing tagumpay ano pa man ang maging kapalit nito.


At ito ang pangarap na naging matimbang para kay Ponce nang iwanan niya ang kanyang mga magulang at iba pang mahal sa buhay upang hanapin ang Kaharian ng Araw. Kasama niya sa paglalakbay ang kaibigan niyang si Paolo. Para kay Paolo kahibangan ang ginawang pag-iwan ni Ponce sa mga magulang at kaibigan upang habulin ang kanyang pangarap sapagkat wala namnag nakakatyak kung saan at kung ano ang kanilang sasapitin sa Kaharian ng Araw. Ang nakikitang niyang pinakamahalaga sa kanilang buhay ay ang kwintas ni Ponce na matagal na pinag-ipunan ng kanyang ina: ang gitara na pamana kay Paolo ng kanyang yumaong magulang: at ang kanilang pagkakaibigan na siyang dahilan ni Paolo kung bakit patuloy niyang sinasamahan ang kaibigan sa kabila ng pagtutol.


Apparently, hindi pa ako marunong gumamit ng colon at comma nung grade 2.