What My Mind Has Been Up To Lately

I've been having trouble sleeping since the year began. For weeks now that I am finally able to sleep, I keep having nightmares. I don't remember them when I get out of bed, but they are a hindrance in resting well. I wake up almost every morning feeling like something went terribly wrong.


To add to that, my classes has been exposing us to atrocities out there in the world that I cannot ignore for moral reasons. Christianity has been synthesizing the conflict between my philosophy and AP education, by producing in me a very frustrated social conscience. My heart can't bear anymore violence, hostility, arrogance, indifference... And it's like this in my head:

A break from all those wickedness would be nice.

I became a Christian one faithful evening, just last October when I was drowning in desperate misery. All it took to be one, I've been informed, is the belief and acceptance of Jesus Christ as one's Lord and personal Savior. That's how it happened. It was so easy... I've always felt I needed saving (by whom I didn't know), I never saw hope in humanity, I was losing hope in my relationships and in myself (there's a story behind this reserved for later!), and it was apparent that I couldn't live the way I used to anymore. It was the only hope I saw (and still is the only hope I see). After three months, I'm still quite new at it, and I've been warned that it wouldn't be easy. True enough, it's not. What kind of Christian am I, to which church I belong, and what my other religious beliefs are, I do not know still. Emilio Jacinto says I have to figure them out myself-- with the help of fellow believers, I hope. I do not want to go through this alone, nor am I supposed to, I think. I've been "friend-hoping" for support and they've been supportive. But the temporariness of the encounters, and the isolation of issues for each friend have left me still feeling like a lone spirit. I am hoping to find at least one friend willing to work with me throughout the whole story. Vice versa would be nice, as well.

Right now, it seems I've been set loose to appreciate what "sin" means and what C.S. Lewis meant by "Enemy-occupied territory – that is what this world is. Christianity is the story of how the rightful king has landed, you might say landed in disguise, and is calling us all to take part in a great campaign of sabotage." I used to frown at this romanticism, forgetting that I had previously seen its reality. So I hope not to wander too far, as I am still at the verge of losing my way.