Week Five Past Five, Still Alive

The eleventh week starts on Monday and ends the head and neck anatomy class with exams until Tuesday. Morning lectures followed by afternoon exams, with only lunch breaks in between. Such is the life of a medical student. Not only do lectures and discussions and all other class activities revolve around exams, exams are the center of our universe. This is important, remember this, they will ask this in the exam. 

A few weeks earlier (feels more like months) before another exam, a classmate fainted on her way to the comfort room. She looked really tired  before the incident, dozing off while reading our anatomy book. Didn't seem to be getting enough sleep. See, exams are even more important than sleep in this part of the universe. Studying one week before the exam is already cramming.

For a lover of learning who swore to detach herself from those numerical evaluations after college graduation, this arrangement is ridiculous. Isn't it silly to invest so much emotions in flawed measurements? What does one gain in staking one's happiness in exam results? Of course, I would know not what one gains with high scores (except finals exemption) because so far, out of the seven exam results that came out (a total of ten previous exams), I passed only one. Didn't even bother to check how I did when the answer key was released right after the most recent exam. But that's just me. You should see my classmates.

It is by God's grace that they passed, my fellow Christians say. Said that pastor in fellowship two Fridays ago: "Glorify the Lord in everything you do. Why do you want good grades? To glorify the Lord. Pero 'pag tinanong kayo ng parents nyo,'ba't ka bumagsak?' 'Wag n'yo namang sabihing, to glorify the Lord." That last part, he meant as a truth-injected joke, but I don't buy it. I think it's a misunderstanding of the mechanisms of failing and an underestimation of the Lord's glory. 

Med students fail not simply because of laziness, nor dumbness but because the cut off for passing is 60-70%. Besides, it is common knowledge, I'd like to think, that grades do not accurately translate into students' learning and intelligence. Intelligence got us into this whole mess in the first place. We study. You should see the effort my classmates put into memorizing stuff (which is not at all how I do it). Moreover, the politics that govern the creation of exam questions factor in, as well. It is an open secret that sample exams derived from previous exams are passed on from generation to generation and through the years, students have passed just by studying those sample exams. Talking to upperclassmen has given me the impression that studying for the sake of learning, and not to pass exams, is the more productive, long-term option. The two styles, unfortunately, are almost mutually exclusive. I, of course, opt for the former, thereby accounting for my scores.

Eventually, I know I have to care about passing in order to move forward along this path. But I daresay I can say I fail to glorify the Lord-- not to mean that I intend failing nor that my own effort (of lack thereof) adds anything to His exaltation. Rather, the extent of His sovereignty transforms my disgraceful test scores into an answered prayer: the exposure of my proud, self-righteous nature followed by the humbling of that bloated ego. His power turns the despicable into the magnificent. Pardon my lack of the biblical knowledge to be able to quote a passage to support that. But reflect on the brutality that Christ was subjected to, which the Lord has turned into our sweet salvation. It's His style, the manifestation of His genius. Recently, He has added interesting twists to my unfolding story. 

Medical education institutions' preoccupation with exams and grades collect from me, as response, Matt 16:26,

And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?

This is exactly how it feels thinking about studying to pass. Depression wins. How does being grade conscious  help my relationship with Christ, anyway? I pray to be more vocal with this stance, as I tend to pretend around classmates that I care about exams. The only thing I sometimes worry about is getting expelled for horrible grades. I want to learn. It's the physical exam demos and small group discussion that ought to motivate studying, not the irrelevant test scores. Being a good medical student has little to do with being a good doctor.

Facebook statuses indicate classmates still studying at this hour for the upcoming exams. But here I am, stealing hours from studying (or sleeping) to tend to my aching heart... by pondering on the glory of my Savior and how only through His grace and mercy can I now pass OS 203... and perhaps OS 204.